Some people are often perplexed by the concept of original sin, the idea that all humans are born sinful, contaminated by our relationship in nature to the original sinners, Adam and Eve. Some would even argue that babies are not originally sinful, arguing things like, "How can something so innocent, who can't even talk or think or will to act be sinful." Well, I have found conclusive proof of the original sinfulness of babies. Thee proof is in the pudding, or in this case, the poo.
Many people tried to warn me that baby poo can start off quite icky. And, I saw pictures, but nothing can do the stuff justice like seeing it right up close. After a few days, it begins to look like gourmet mustard (and smells rather like some of the gourmet mustard I've smelled before), very yellow with seedy-looking curds (not Kurds...they live in Iraq). Apparently, baby's bowels can't digest milk solids immediately, so they end up being passed in his stool, or mustard if you will. After a while, the GI tract is more developed and begins to transform the poo goo into a pasty substance.
For those of you who are about to embark on this baby thing (Jeff and Tina), my I suggest the following 6 easy steps to changing a baby's diaper:
- Upon smelling the possibility of a bowel movement, exclaim something totally childish, such as, "Ooh, you've made a poo poo. I'll bet it's a sticky-icky-stinky poo poo." Or, if you have warm liquid running down your arm, say to the baby something like, "You peed on my arm; icky icky. You're just a little water fountain aren't you?" The particulars of these dialogues about your baby's waste products may vary, but the important thing is that they remain of the nature that would cause an onlooker to question your sanity.
- Strap baby to the changing table. A general rule is the more poo involved, the more squirmy and thus messy the chaning experience will be.
- Obtain necessary tools: new diaper, wipes, vaseline (if you have a boy who has been...um...well, you know), lead-lined apron (optional), hazmat suit (optional), earplugs (some babies like Parks do not like naked time and will not hesitate to let you know that).
- Remove the old diaper and wipe butt until clean. Wipe back, stomach, feet, head, and arms depending on how far the poo or urine has spread.
- Apply new diaper, making sure that all appendages are in the proper holes.
- Repeat steps 1-5 because your baby peed or pooped in the new diaper as soon as you secured the fasteners.
I hope that helps.